


Where the Search Led

by vocal_fries



Series: Subtext Becomes Text [12]
Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort/Angst, Cuddling & Snuggling, DS9 S3E2 "The Search Pt II", Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Consent, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Gratuitous Smut, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Hurts So Good, Look it's angsty okay, M/M, Maybe - Freeform, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Sex, Smut, but then it gets better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-05
Updated: 2019-03-05
Packaged: 2019-11-12 07:21:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18006368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vocal_fries/pseuds/vocal_fries
Summary: Julian sees Garak die in the Dominion simulation. Here's what happened when he got back to the station. Set after the events of DS9 S3E2 "The Search: Pt II."If you haven't been reading this series, this work is the easiest one in quite a while to just drop into and not feel like you've missed much.





	Where the Search Led

**Author's Note:**

> Writing this has basically dominated my emotional life for the past couple days, so godspeed, dear reader.
> 
> For those who may be afraid I've changed, the straight-up nasty kink stuff is coming back in the next one. Promise.
> 
> As always, thanks to the wonderful @tinsnip for her immensely influential "Speculative Cardassian Reproductive Xenobiology" (https://archiveofourown.org/works/1719479). This far into this series, I feel the need to cite my sources again, despite having changed bits and pieces to suit my purposes.

Julian Bashir felt hands on his shoulders, insistently pulling him away from Elim Garak’s body.

Garak’s body.

Molten lead hardened inside Julian’s veins. He was dimly aware that he was moving down the corridor, but his eyes were unfocused, seeing only Garak’s lifeless face in his field of vision. Bashir wasn’t sure if he was walking under his own power. He wasn’t sure if he was breathing. He wasn’t sure where he was headed.

Julian looked up when he heard Miles O’Brien ask about Garak. He heard himself answer, though he didn’t understand the words. He didn’t remember boarding the runabout.

A door slid shut behind him. Julian looked around. He was alone in the runabout’s small sleeping quarters. He didn’t remember leaving the cockpit.

As he sat on the narrow bed, he _did_ remember a runabout mission to Bajor with Garak a year earlier. Arguments, sex, a break. A reunion.

Garak’s face appeared in his mind, blue eyes gleaming with triumph at a point well argued. A brow ridge quirking as a quip landed. A flirtatious smile.

Then the eyes went flat. Bashir saw Garak lying dead in the corridor.

Garak was dead.

Something split open inside Julian. Overwhelmed by the unbearable weight of his loss, he lay down, drawing his knees up and wrapping his arms around them. His blood felt like acid under his skin. His lungs ached for want of air. His stomach twisted, nauseated. Julian squeezed his arms harder around his legs, but the pressure against his chest did nothing to soothe the immense pain searing his heart.

His eyes burned as tears gathered. He shook violently, holding himself tightly to keep from flying apart. A ragged sob erupted from his throat, and he began to breathe again as the tears consumed him. He lay on the hard bunk, contorted into a trembling ball of nerves and bones and inescapable agony. His muscles began to ache from the strain of bracing himself against the onslaught, as if he could physically ward off the misery that suffused him.

Somehow it only grew worse, crushing him under its weight. A keening started low in his throat, and shoved his face hard against the small pillow to muffle the sound. Julian felt an animal rage rising in him at the injustice of it. The tenuous control he retained was slipping. He couldn’t think; he couldn’t reason. He lost words, except for a cruel, steady mantra that ripped his heart open with each unbidden repetition.

_Garak is dead. Garak is dead. Garak is dead._

 

__________________

  


Garak awoke to the sound of his door chime. The illumination in his quarters indicated it was not yet morning. He rolled over, closing his eyes.

The chime continued. He sighed, trying to exhale his annoyance. He was almost asleep again when he heard the computer announce a medical override.

Garak sat up in time to see Julian entering his bedroom.

“Julian,” Garak sighed in irritation, swinging his legs over the side of the bed, “It’s-”

“I don’t care,” Bashir cut him off, sitting next to him and taking his hands. A pause. The human seemed unable to begin whatever he’d come to say.

Garak suppressed another sigh as he studied the man, trying to ascertain why he was upset. When Julian didn’t speak, Garak did sigh. “I’m delighted to see you again, my dear, but I’m also very tired. What couldn’t wait until morning?”

Julian squeezed his hands hard, as if unthinkingly. He chewed his lip for a moment, searching Garak’s eyes for something. “I saw you die.”

“You what?”

“Except for Kira and Odo, we were all taken prisoner by the Founders. Who, as it turns out, are Changelings. They created a simulation to test how far we were willing to go to avoid war. What we’d sacrifice.” Julian chewed his lip again, still holding Garak’s hands almost too tightly. His eyes looked red-rimmed in the dim light. “We had to leave behind the Defiant. We had to leave behind officers. We had to abandon the station, risk our commissions and our careers.” A pause. Garak could see Julian was fighting to control his voice and face. “And I saw you die. I had to leave you behind. I took a runabout with Sisko and Dax to collapse the wormhole, and I left you dead in a corridor.”

Garak’s stomach churned uneasily. Tired as he was, he was having a hard time deciding which thread to follow: Julian had just all but admitted he was in love with Garak, but perhaps just as alarming, Dominion intelligence knew as well. When he looked closely at Julian, though, he filed both away. Garak’s heart twisted with the desire to reassure the young man clutching his hands and trembling, apparently on the verge of tears.

“You were dead. I saw you die. And I just had to leave you. I left you.” Julian looked at him, eyes apologetic and pleading. “I had to see you. I’m sorry I woke you up but I had to see you. I-” He released Garak’s hands and leaned toward him, then paused, awkward. “Can I-?”

Garak wrapped his arms around Julian’s shoulders, and he felt strong arms around his waist. Julian’s body was tense against him. Garak turned his head, placing a kiss on his temple. “I’m quite alright, my dear,” he said, voice quiet.

Julian seemed to collapse in on himself. The stiff set of his shoulders went slack, and he shook with silent tears. Unsure what else to do, Garak held Julian close, gently stroking his hair while the man clung to him.

“You’re okay. We’re okay,” Garak murmured when he felt Julian begin to relax against him. He pressed a line of kisses across dark, wavy hair.

The story about the Dominion simulation continued to niggle at him, but he would have to glean the details later. He turned instead to the barely veiled revelation of Julian’s feelings for him. In the course of recounting the simulation, Julian had unambiguously admitted the magnitude of his feelings for Garak. It wasn’t new information, exactly, but it had never been said aloud so transparently. It flouted all of their explicit and implicit agreements about their relationship. Julian was speaking from a place of emotional distress, but Garak had been shocked nonetheless. He turned it over in his mind, wondering if the slip had contributed to the human’s extended silence now.

 _He’s probably exhausted,_ he reflected. Although he hadn’t seen Julian die with his own eyes, his own experience the year prior when he’d thought Julian had been killed on a mission had been unbearably painful and immensely draining. Compassion tugged at him, and Garak tried to dismiss his natural inclination to analyze the implications of Julian’s honesty about the simulation. It could wait. Julian was in pain, and he had treated him with such kindness when their situations had been reversed.

“Let’s lie down,” Garak suggested, drawing back far enough to see Julian’s face. “It must be past 0300.”

Swollen hazel eyes looked at him quickly, then down. Bashir nodded.

Garak removed Julian’s shoes, then lay down, shifting away from the edge of the bed. He extended an arm invitingly. Julian looked at him closely, eyes full of anguish and relief and a vulnerability that broke Garak’s heart. He swung his legs onto the bed, then lay with an arm and a leg folded tightly over Garak. Garak slipped one arm behind Julian, cradling his shoulders. The human squirmed closer, resting his head on Garak’s chest.

Silence stretched, though neither of them slept. Julian’s breathing gradually became even, and the trembling subsided. When the illumination shifted slightly, signalling 0400, Garak kissed Julian’s forehead.

“Do you have duties tomorrow?” he asked, breaking the silence.

“No. Not really. We debriefed on the return trip. I need to check in with the infirmary staff, but I don’t have a shift scheduled.” Julian’s voice was quiet, strange.

“I see,” Garak said, feeling uncharacteristically awkward. “You must be exhausted from the mission.”

“Mm,” Julian agreed, indeed sounding too tired to form a full word in response. He breathed deeply, then sighed. He curled closer to Garak, but he tilted his head back to meet his eyes. Julian’s eyelids were still swollen from crying, but the redness had largely subsided. “Watching you die and not being able to help you was the most painful thing that’s ever happened to me. Having to leave you behind was the second. Sisko dragged me away from you. I couldn’t do it. I was frozen.” He looked down. “I know you’re here and you’re alive, but the memory is so real.” He glanced up at Garak again.

Garak had to steel himself against the intensity of his gaze. He felt lightheaded for a moment, certain Julian could see straight through him. “I’m sorry, my dear,” he said softly. Tired as he was, he found himself unable to entirely quell his curiosity. “Why was I present when you were leaving the station to collapse the wormhole?”

Julian’s eyes crinkled slightly in the first hint of a smile Garak had seen all night. “You were going to come with us. Cardassia had been left out of negotiations between the major Alpha Quadrant powers and the Dominion.” His face creased into a real smile. “You were actually quite clever.”

Garak put on a show of feigning offense before slipping into a smile. “ _Actually?_ Thus implying I was more clever than you expected?”

Julian’s smile became pensive. “Apparently not, since your actions were an amalgam of what the program gleaned from all of us. I suppose Commander Sisko and I both think highly of your abilities.”

Garak huffed a laugh. “I suppose I’m flattered.”

They looked at each other for a moment. Julian’s eyes went soft and serious at once, then. Garak’s stomach clenched. _Fuck._

“I love you, Garak. I know that’s not what we agreed to.” Julian paused, looking at nothing for a second before diving back in with a slight shrug of one shoulder. “I’m fucking this up, I guess, but I just watched you die. I watched you die because a computer program figured out it was the most terrible sacrifice it could pry out of me.” He made a sound that was neither a scoff nor a laugh but had qualities of both. “And it was right! Losing you _broke_ me.” Julian paused, and Garak waited quietly, watching Julian watch him. “Lying here next to you — being able to touch you and prove to myself that you’re alive and safe — is the only thing I care about right now. And I can’t not tell you. I’m sorry. I’m in love with you.”

Garak waited a moment longer. When Julian didn’t continue, Garak exhaled slowly. “I know,” he said quietly, drawing Julian closer. The human pressed himself against Garak, burying his face against Garak’s neck, nuzzling his hair. “I’m sorry, too. Very much.” Julian drew back, looking closely at him. Garak held his gaze, heart beating wildly, and Julian cupped Garak’s face with a hand. Garak’s heart swelled, and the warmth between them enveloped him as their lips met. The intimacy was almost overwhelming. Electricity coursed through him, and the room grew hazy around them.

Julian lay his head on Garak’s shoulder again. Quiet reigned. To Garak’s surprise, the confession had cut the tension in the room, a shadow that had stalked them for a long time. He let himself expand into the space it usually occupied. He turned on his side, drawing Julian closer so they lay chest to chest, forehead to forehead, arms around each other. Garak slipped a leg between Julian’s, and the man sighed contentedly, closing his eyes.

A few minutes later, Julian’s eyes fluttered open abruptly. “Garak,” he breathed, voice barely audible.

“Yes?” Garak whispered back, not wishing to disturb the comfortable quiet in which they’d shrouded themselves.

“I’m falling asleep. Can I-” he paused. “Can I, um- can I sleep here tonight?”

Garak was unsurprised. He’d been trying to find a way to address sleeping arrangements since suggesting they lie down. In two years, they’d never slept the night in the same bed, and since he’d attacked Julian while his device was malfunctioning, Julian’s gradual recovery had precluded it as an option.

The answer he knew he should give died in his throat. Tain’s voice shouted it at him for good measure, but then, Garak had always been one to double down on his mistakes before learning.

“Of course, my dear,” he murmured, kissing Julian’s forehead.

“Thank you,” Julian said, voice not quite quiet enough to hide the raw emotion in it.

“Will it- will you be okay sleeping next to me?”

Julian seemed to understand the question. “I think so. And I trust you to know what to do.” He paused. “Waking up without you is a much greater fear right now.”

Garak stroked Julian’s hair in acknowledgment. “Julian.”

“Mm?”

“We should actually get into bed.”

Julian exhaled, half a sleepy laugh. “You’re right.”

They disentangled. Already dressed in his sleep wear, Garak got into bed properly while Julian removed his uniform, socks, and undershirt. The young man slipped into Garak’s plush bedding with a satisfied hum, eyes barely open. Garak called for lights. The human pulled Garak back into his arms, chest to chest again, and gentle hands held his face as Julian kissed him deeply. The kiss was sleepy, but it lingered. In the stillness, the sound of their lips and Julian’s almost inaudible sighs of pleasure washed over Garak, and his nerves tingled pleasantly.

When Julian fell asleep, Garak listened to his breathing for long minutes. He relished the pliability sleep gave the smooth, warm body pressed against him. When sleep took Garak, he didn’t resist.

 

__________________

 

Julian woke suddenly, heart racing. _Garak is dead._

He rolled over, sensing someone else was nearby. His hands touched a body armored with heavy ridges and smooth scales. _Garak._ He was alive. Julian wrapped an arm around Garak, curling against him. He pressed a kiss to the last of the large flat scales that formed a wide V over Garak’s thoracic spine. His heart rate slowed, steadied. He looked around. The subtle illumination in Garak’s quarters had shifted to an early morning pattern, but Bashir doubted he’d slept for more than a couple of hours.

Reoriented in his surroundings, Bashir thought about his conversation with Garak. He hadn’t intended to state his feelings so bluntly. He was fully aware of Garak’s preference for subtlety and subtext, but the unspoken words had been fighting their way out of his throat for months. He’d been able to keep them in check until tonight. The true extent of his feelings had been laid bare for him by the Founders’ simulation, seared into him along with the memory of seeing the life drain from the man he loved so much.

He’d been surprised by Garak’s response. He’d not only accepted Julian’s violation of their agreement about the nature of their relationship but, in his way, reciprocated. Although he’d cloaked his words, Julian understood.

_“I’m sorry. I’m in love with you.”_

_“I’m sorry, too. Very much.”_

He felt giddy, thinking of it. His heart swelled.

A low voice interrupted his thoughts. “Julian? Are you alright?” Garak sounded awake.

“Quite alright,” Julian replied, kissing the flat thoracic scale again.

“You’ve been awake for quite a while.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

Garak’s breath hitched in a way that might have been a chuckle. “It would be hard not to. Don’t concern yourself about it.”

Julian curled against Garak. “We should both get some more sleep. Computer, what time is it?”

“The time is 0539 hours,” the computer intoned.

“Computer, resume nighttime lighting mode until 1200 hours,” Garak commanded, rolling onto his back. The faint light warmed and dimmed even further. “At that time, steadily increase light levels to full daytime illumination by 1215.”

“1200 hours,” Julian remarked, pleasantly surprised by the late start Garak had scheduled. “How leisurely.”

Garak looked at him in the dark, affecting an expression of exaggerated nonchalance that Julian could hardly see. “I work for myself, and you have the day off. It’s hardly our first night together if it’s just a couple of hours.”

Julian felt a warm flush spread through his body. That had been, perhaps, the most surprising development of all. Particularly after his confession of love, he’d expected Garak to hold fast to his proscription on spending the night. “I suppose that’s true. And I certainly wouldn’t want to undermine our credibility,” he said lightly, nuzzling Garak’s hair. He ran a hand in long, looping arcs over Garak’s chest and abdomen, lulling them both back to sleep.

 

__________________

 

Garak woke up warm. He hadn’t felt this warm upon waking in years. He lay on his back, Julian’s head nestled against his chest, one arm slung over him.

He didn’t move, afraid to wake the human. Instead, he breathed deeply, inhaling the flavor-scent of the man in his arms. The familiarity of it was soothing, even as the strangeness of waking up to it felt very surreal.

Julian jolted awake, eyes opening suddenly. When he saw Garak, he seemed to relax. “Bad dream,” he said quietly. He ran a hand over Garak’s chest, as if confirming it was intact. “Were you already awake?”

“Yes, but pleasantly.”

Julian nodded. “Will you be my little spoon?”

Garak raised a brow ridge at the nonsense question. “Excuse me?”

“Little spoon. Oooh, that probably sounds racist, doesn’t it? Shit. Sorry. When people cuddle while facing the same direction, humans call the person being held the little spoon and the person holding them the big spoon. Like nested spoons.”

“You can nest spoons of the same size. It’s actually easier.”

“I know, it’s just the terminology. But what I meant is that I’d like to hold you.”

Garak almost smirked. They’d been communicating very explicitly about physical contact for months in deference to Julian’s recovery, but he granted the younger man a good deal of discretion in taking the initiative. He was a little surprised by the shyness he saw now. “Of course, my dear. Would you like me to turn onto my side?”

“Not just yet,” Julian said softly. He pushed himself onto one elbow. “I want to kiss you first.”

“You’re usually more assertive than this,” Garak observed, trying not to sound critical.

Julian quirked a smile. “I’m usually not staying the night in your bed for the first time. I don’t want to be presumptuous.”

Garak returned the smile, sharpening it with a flirtatious edge. “I give you full and unfettered permission to kiss and cuddle me, including ‘spooning,’ while you’re in my bed with me.”

Julian’s eyes gleamed in the darkness. “What an absolutely delicious invitation.” He leaned in, kissing Garak with that new, overpowering intensity. Garak felt Julian take his time, savoring each kiss. He smiled. A warm hand traced his jaw and aural ridges. “Okay,” Julian whispered in a sleepy voice, “turn onto your side.”

Garak did as he was asked. Julian slid one arm under Garak’s head and wrapped the other around his ribs and chest. One leg hitched over Garak’s hip. If Julian hadn’t immediately become boneless in his sleep, Garak might have felt claustrophobic, but having the man curled loosely around him felt pleasantly snug. He dozed.

When he woke next, he sensed Julian was already awake. He brought the hand stretched out in front of him to his face and kissed the palm. Julian shivered.

“Maybe we’re not so good at co-sleeping,” Julian said quietly.

Garak folded the hand, kissing the fingers. “I’m hypervigilant by nature and you’ve just experienced a trauma. I’d say we’re exceeding expectations.”

Julian huffed a soft laugh. “I suppose. I’ve had a couple of nightmares, but I also feel like if I sleep through it all I’ll have missed something.” His full body grip tightened, then relaxed. He kissed the back of Garak’s neck.

Garak laced his fingers through Julian’s, their hands coming to rest on the bed again. He stared at the long, slender, golden fingers between his own thicker gray digits. He was beginning to drowse again when he felt Julian shift. He smiled at the hardness that pressed against his hips. Garak gently squeezed Julian’s fingers encouragingly.

Another small movement brushed Julian against him again. Garak’s ajan was beginning to swell, and he could feel warm lubrication building between his legs. He ran his thumb over Julian’s.

The arm around his chest held him tighter as Julian pressed his erection against Garak’s hip, abandoning the subtlety of his earlier movements. Garak felt a kiss on his neck, then hot breath next to his aural ridge. “Garak,” Julian whispered. “I want you.”

The heat in Garak’s ajan coursed through him, tingling under his skin. Before he could change his mind, he whispered back, “Then I’m yours.”

Julian’s breath caught. He released Garak, rolling him onto his back. Julian straddled him, kissing him eagerly. Garak felt Julian’s cock against his ajan, separated by a few layers of fabric. He let the suspense build, enjoying the throbbing ache between his legs.

Garak slid his hands beneath the waistband of Julian’s undergarment, fondling his ass. The human whimpered against his mouth. Urgent fingers began unfastening Garak’s sleep shirt, tossing it off the side of the bed when it pulled free. Julian licked and nipped Garak’s chula. Garak moaned, which seemed to excite Julian, who redoubled his efforts, worrying at the edges of the teardrop shaped ridge.

Garak writhed, unaccustomed to Julian dwelling on his chu’en. He freed Julian’s erection from his underwear, running light fingers over the smooth skin of the head. Julian gasped, then shifted impatiently to remove his undergarment entirely. He slid his cock hard over the silky fabric of Garak’s sleep pants as he began to bite hungrily at Garak’s shoulder ridges.

Garak whimpered softly, surrendering. His arousal had soaked through his pants by the time Julian removed them.

When Julian entered him, they both gasped, breathing heavily. Julian lay back down against Garak, biting and sucking his shoulder ridge. Their bodies were in contact from thighs to chest, and Garak felt the warmth in his bones. Julian’s hips moved slowly, almost lazily, deep thrusts that rubbed his cock over Garak’s uneverted prUt. The slow movements were teasing, agonizing, perfect. Garak shuddered as he delayed eversion, enjoying the tight feeling of Julian’s erection stretching him to fit alongside his own prUt. The younger man continued to nip and bite his shoulder and neck ridges, an assault that intensified as Julian thrust harder inside Garak. The pressure was almost unbearable when Garak finally gasped, “Please, I need to evert.”

Julian lifted his hips slightly, and Garak felt his prUt slide out, relief and arousal swirling together. Julian resumed his position, with Garak’s slick prUt now pressed between his belly and Garak’s chuva. Garak sighed with pleasure as Julian’s cock slipped deeper inside him, fully sheathed within him.

Julian’s teeth bit down over Garak’s favorite neck scales. Sensations washed over him in relentless waves. The deep fullness of Julian inside him, the pressure on his irllun ridge with each motion of their hips, the exquisite teasing of Julian’s belly gliding over his prUt, and the sharp pleasure of teeth on his ridges. He caressed Julian’s body as if exploring it anew, pinching nipples and dwelling on sensitive areas, carefully raking his nails across the smooth flesh of his back the way Julian liked.

He writhed beneath Julian as the tension grew. Garak began to feel dizzy, wondering if he could orgasm from this slow, teasing pace. He moaned desperately with each leisurely thrust of Julian’s cock inside him, each slide of soft skin over his prUt.

Julian’s attention to his ridges became rougher, more urgent, sending bolts of electricity through him. Sensations magnified, coalesced. Garak panted uncontrollably, and suddenly he felt himself ascending, floating, falling apart. He cried out as blue flooded his vision. His semen was hot between them.

Julian trailed from Garak’s neck to his aural ridge. He continued to move inside Garak, deep and steady. Over the thundering of his own heart, Garak heard Julian whispering against his aural ridge, barely audible, “I love you I love you IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou-” The human’s hips jerked, and he came hard, whimpering as he rode his orgasm. Garak held him, softly kissing his face, his hair, his neck.

They lay still, drowsy and filthy and in love.

“I promise I won’t say it every time,” Julian said, sounding sleepy. “But it felt good.”

“Mm,” Garak murmured as he kissed Julian’s throat. It had. Dangerously good.

**Author's Note:**

> I have a tumblr nowadays! I post dumb Garashir memes I make, links to recent works, and all the way cooler shit I stumble across in this very ridiculous and amazing fandom. Let's be tumblr pals? @fuckehhgarashir


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